Miami, Jackson North Hospital: At 8:50pm Tonight (Wednesday, September 26 2007) the last Van Cortlandt passed from this world into the next. We will miss her even if we do not know it. Her presence in this world made it richer, more colorful and happier. Carol Emilee Kessler Leicht (the great great granddaughter of Rachel Van Cortlandt), who preferred to be known as Carrie Van Cortlandt as her artistic name, Was born on June 23 1936. She died in her sleep after a valiant struggle with cancer. Her last hours were spent unconscious, breathing hard and then hardly breathing. Her body put up struggle to the last giving her a fever of 105 degrees Fahrenheit. When the fever broke her breathing slowed till she was barely moving her jaws. And then finally as I looked on, she gave her last gasp and was still.
I have spent the last couple weeks alternating between being by her side and being at my dear sister(Cara Marie)'s home. It has been an epic struggle though no heroes arrived to save the day. The struggle was within my heart. My Mother and I were estranged when she moved here to miami. And though I think she knew me at her her bedside I can not be assured of this as she no longer had the power of speech by the time I got here. My struggle was to remain with her despite the pain of watching her fade. She was a fighter and though she accepted her own demise (I believe) she also struggled to live on her own terms. Never mind that clearing her throat of mucus would make her feel better and breath easier, she would have none of that. I let her gouge my arms to keep her from taking the tube away from her mouth and out of the firm but gentle nurses' hands. Not just once but often.
I felt only bad that she could not see the good in the act. But I have comfort knowing she was at some level more comfortable because of those efforts. Yesterday I sat with her for a long time because for once she was not only alert but complete restless and awake. In the past I could only watch her sleep for the most part and then occasionally hold her hand. Yesterday she pinched my hands and pulled the hairs on my arm (in wonder?) and patted my face and was as communicative as she had been with me in much more than a decade.
My heart/chest/back aches but Ive dried my eyes for now and await my sister's arrival. She has sacrificed much to bring about the reconciliation of my mother and myself. And she has put up with a lot of trauma in her family and with me in order that I be here and be able to bid my Mom, the last of the Van Cortlandts goodbye.
I say the last not because her bloodline is gone but because this name was so important to her that she could not bring herself to move away from the family park in the Bronx even when life became very hard there. Genealogy and hereditary roots were very important to her. She performed a good deal of historical sleuthing and researching to trace our familial antecedents back as far as the 13th century. (The Van Cortlandts were a dutch family that initially immigrated to the Netherlands at that time period from Russia where I do not know and I have no idea what the initial name was. Pierre Van Cortlandt was the first Assistant Director (governor) of the New Amsterdam Colony and the family apparently owned a good deal of upper Bronx (New York City) even into the late 1800s.) (if anyone has better info on this stuff Id be interested in seeing it.)
My Mom's life was a roller coaster adventure if there ever was one. Her Dad (Emerson Charles Kessler) married her Mom (Helen Wittsen Stowell) and had two children (Rev Dr. Stowell V. Kessler,Mdiv, DoT (1934-2007) and my Mom). They were well off, then poor, then in debt and then not so poor. I'm not sure the chronology or even the exact events of her childhood but I know she was born a blue baby (premature), had a sty in her right eye that made her cross eyed, and contracted scarlet fever and numerous other ailments when still a child. (If any of you have more info please share.)
When she was teenager my Mom moved to her Aunt Gene's (Eugenia Cadman) house in Massachusetts and lived with her family through high school. She attended Vassar and then New Paltz near Poughkeepsie eventually getting a BS in Fine Arts Education. Somewhen there (I don't know when) she came out as a debutant and though reports vary as to her looks (I had a picture once (lost in the tumult of my own life, most sadly Gladly Mom's large collection of personal items contained many fine photos from her younger years.) of her in her late teens looking very beautiful and innocent. I believe the sty was fixed at this point by a sympathetic doctor friend of the family.
At some point my Mom and Dad met (through the brotherly auspices of my Uncle Stowell) and well I am not sure exactly how it happened but somehow they got married. Eventually they had my sister Cara Marie Vera. Then two years later I arrived. More stuff happened. At some point both Mom and Dad were involved in the civil rights movement. I remember stories of them being arrested for civil disobedience during this time but I still don't have a clear understanding of how the events happened.
All the time growing up though I remember Mom telling us how rampant and wrongheaded the racial prejudice in this country is. She was always one for justice even when the justice seemed unlikely at best. Mom was a people person. Not a "yes" person. (More often than not she was likely to scold for ill behavior rather than neglect to mention it.) But definitely a people person. She loved to trade stories with strangers and heal hurts for people she barely knew if at all. She loved all animals and adored plants. (She and I discussed plant intelligence once and I still remember her telling me that plants know/feel a lot more than we give them credit for. ) Mom spent quite a few years when we were children active in the community of Riverdale in the Bronx (NYC) as a member of the community planning board, the zoning board, and a member of the Democratic party. Her interest in politics was about fairness and justice and she supported the candidates she thought would best serve these interests.
My differences with my Mom had to do with some very complex issues but I always loved her and I hope that I communicated that thoroughly. I am uncertain as to whether she finally understood that. I know she loved me even when she didn't like me very much. If anything I think we had an understanding (at least this is my fantasy of it anyway) that we were enough alike that we could disagree on many issues and still in our heart of hearts being forgiving and forgiven. I miss her very much
Addendum:(10-29-07). I always wanted Mom to be as proud of me as I am of her. I don't know if she was but I never got to share the latest accomplishments in my life with her because I arrived too near the end for meaningful conversation. But often when I am thinking about something I have done or something Im deciding whether to do or not I think of her. I wonder how she would react. This has been true even when we were not talking at all. And now that she is gone it happens all the time. She is the one who inspired and taught me to be creative and never let anything get in the way of my creativity. I know I take after her faults. I hope those shortcomings are ofset by her most endearing qualities that I have copied as well.
This is a poor substitute for a hug and conversation from my Mom but it is what I am reduced to now that she is off organizing the angels in heaven or whatever reward she has gone to. I am by the way an agnostic and tend to the irreligious side of spirituality, However I am flexible enough to see the value in hoping for better things after the gift of death comes upon us. I dont believe we dissipate into entropy as an atheist might. Somehow our connection with the Highest Power gives our "souls" continuity after we are gone from our earthly flesh and blood shells. Whatever that might be, Mom is there and also she is deep within my heart, as well as all the hearts of the many great people who were honored to be among her friends and family.
Her artworks (paintings) also live on and will be on display soon at Riverdale Neighborhood House on Mosholu Avenue in Riverdale.
Recently (last night in fact) we had a memorial gathering to commemorate Mom's life and to share food and warm conversation with some of her closest friends. Thank you Caroline Clemente for opening your home to us for the gathering and beyond. Thank you to the people who attended: Mary Brennen, Marie (my sister Cara Marie that is), Frank Kurka, Caroline Clemente, Richard, Paul (Caroline's adoptive son), Chris (Caroline's brother who adored Mom) Jessie (Caroline's next door neighbor), Irene (a friend of Caroline's), Dayana (a friend of Marie's from Miami who befriended Mom in the hospital), and Vince (the catholic seminarian). I know a lot of you were instrumental in helping Mom during her long adventure in Riverdale and all that is a tribute to your own goodness and humanity. Also thank you very much to Ilysa Magnus for befriending Mom over the years and allowing her to store a great deal of valuable artwork and personal items in your apartment. The kindness you showed her goes well beyond the duties any friend should feel obligated to perform.